Texans are hard working people who believe in the Christian work ethic. We’re sadden with the direction the United States has taken with Chairman Obama, Prince Harry Reid, and Pelosi Galore. This country was founded on good old hard work and Capitalism — and not “Spreading the Wealth”.  As such, here is our solution we’d like Liberals to consider:

#1: Let Chairman Obama become President of the United States (all 49 states).

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

NASA is in Houston, Texas (we will control the space industry).

We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term “Don’t mess with Texas,” will take on a whole new meaning.

Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it’s too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm….

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

We have enough colleges to keep us going: U.T., Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women’s University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more ).

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don’t have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good.

Don’t need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won’t have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won’t have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won’t have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.  As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.  Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”  She turns, smiles and says, “Business.  I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” He swallows hard.  Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?” “Lecturer”, she says, “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the “Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man says, “Tonto Goldstein.  But my friends call me Bubba.”

A visiting professor at Bob Jones University was delivering a lecture on the supernatural.  To get a sense of his audience’s reactions, he asked “How many people here believe in ghosts?”  About 90 students raised their hands.

“Good, good.  Out of those who initially raised their hands, how many of you think you’ve actually seen a ghost?”  Some 40-odd students raised their hands again.

“Excellent.  I’m glad to see so many here taking this seriously.”

“Tell me, now, has anyone ever talked to a ghost?”  15 students raised hands. “What a wonderful response.  Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”  Up go 3 hands.

“Excellent.  But let me ask another question, an unusual one, perhaps.  Did any of those who touched ever make love to a ghost?

Way in the back of the audience, one student raises his hand.  More than surprised, the professor removes his glasses, takes a step backwards and says, “In all my years of lecturing on this subject, no one has ever claimed to have had sexual relations with a ghost.  Please, you must come up here and tell us all about your experience.”

The student nods, breaks into smirk and starts ambling towards the podium.

“Tell us, what was it like to have sex with a ghost?”

The student stops dead in his tracks.  “Ghost?  Sorry.  From way back there I thought you said goat.”

Notes: From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from Western New York:

Recently Frank was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mainly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and Frank happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yankee.

FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable To report)