1. It doesn’t bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

2. You use the phrase “fixin’ to” almost daily.

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

4. You’ve ever been excused from school because “the cows got out.”

5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn’t mean farm animals.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother’s birthday.

9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.

13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

14. Your “place at the lake” has wheels under it.

15. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4×4 is.

17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

19. You know that “y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
“You wanna Coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

GUEST APPLICATION FOR THE

JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

Personal Information:

Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle___________

Yore Mama Name______________ Yore Daddy Name(if known)________________ 

Spouse’s Name_________________

Relationship to spouse:

___Sister ____Brother ____Mother ____Father ___Pet ___Aunt ___Uncle

Occupation:

___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer ___Skinhead

Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___

Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4

How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi. ___?

Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___

Number of Vehicles Owned___

Number on Cement Blocks___

Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Pit Bull ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel Flag ___Naked Woman Mud flaps ___NRA sticker

Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun

Number of Dogs Owned: ___

Number of Homemade Tattoos: ___

Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:

___Friggerator  ___Heatin Stove   ___Warsher   ___TV   ___Freezer

How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___

Fav-o-rite Recreation:

___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin ___Crawdad Huntin ___Spittin Backy ___Scratchin  ___Watchin Wrasslin

If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:

___Soap Opera Digest ___Rifle and Shotgun ___NWA ___TV Guide ___National Enquirer ___True Confessions

Which Stinks Worse:

___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse

Can You Spell Your Last Name:

___Yup ___Nope

Can You Remember Your Last Name:

___Yup ___Nope

Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope

Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters:

___Yup ___Nope

Which is Correct?:

___”I Seed Him” or ___”I Seen Him”

How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a day? ___

Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?

___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy ___Prostitute

Number of Times You’ve Seen:

___a UFO ___ Elvis ___Elvis in a UFO

Health Questionnaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?

___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose ___Boils

Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup ___Nope

Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A

I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my “X” on

______________200__

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here.

It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.

The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time.

Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.”  I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are pigs, cattle & oil wells. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-20 & I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north & south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re not impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

8. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s salad & pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, & breads. We use 3 spices … salt, pepper, & Pace’s Picante Sauce.

12. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” to my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck & have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers & the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards, it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education & a love for God & country, & they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines & Air Force than any other state, so “Don’t Mess With Texas.” If you do, it will get your butt whipped.

17. Also, remember what our great Governor Sam Houston once said, “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can’t make it without Texas.”

Texans are hard working people who believe in the Christian work ethic. We’re sadden with the direction the United States has taken with Chairman Obama, Prince Harry Reid, and Pelosi Galore. This country was founded on good old hard work and Capitalism — and not “Spreading the Wealth”.  As such, here is our solution we’d like Liberals to consider:

#1: Let Chairman Obama become President of the United States (all 49 states).

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

NASA is in Houston, Texas (we will control the space industry).

We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term “Don’t mess with Texas,” will take on a whole new meaning.

Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it’s too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm….

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

We have enough colleges to keep us going: U.T., Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women’s University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more ).

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don’t have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good.

Don’t need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won’t have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won’t have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won’t have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.  As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.  Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”  She turns, smiles and says, “Business.  I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” He swallows hard.  Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?” “Lecturer”, she says, “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the “Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man says, “Tonto Goldstein.  But my friends call me Bubba.”

A visiting professor at Bob Jones University was delivering a lecture on the supernatural.  To get a sense of his audience’s reactions, he asked “How many people here believe in ghosts?”  About 90 students raised their hands.

“Good, good.  Out of those who initially raised their hands, how many of you think you’ve actually seen a ghost?”  Some 40-odd students raised their hands again.

“Excellent.  I’m glad to see so many here taking this seriously.”

“Tell me, now, has anyone ever talked to a ghost?”  15 students raised hands. “What a wonderful response.  Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”  Up go 3 hands.

“Excellent.  But let me ask another question, an unusual one, perhaps.  Did any of those who touched ever make love to a ghost?

Way in the back of the audience, one student raises his hand.  More than surprised, the professor removes his glasses, takes a step backwards and says, “In all my years of lecturing on this subject, no one has ever claimed to have had sexual relations with a ghost.  Please, you must come up here and tell us all about your experience.”

The student nods, breaks into smirk and starts ambling towards the podium.

“Tell us, what was it like to have sex with a ghost?”

The student stops dead in his tracks.  “Ghost?  Sorry.  From way back there I thought you said goat.”

Notes: From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from Western New York:

Recently Frank was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mainly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and Frank happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yankee.

FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable To report)