Yuppp, you found the Old Hippie’s Red Neck site. Now before you have a heart attack, I’m a Conservative Old Hippie from Texas. I drive a pick up and listen to Willie, Waylon, and Jerry Jeff. As I post this humor, I laugh at how I am occasionally poking fun at myself.
That said, I hope that you will not only enjoy this site — but that you will pass it along to others.
The Old Hippie
Point your browser to www.OldHippiesGiftShop.com to scope out some very kool stuff with a Drag Racing, Mopars, and/or Humor Theme.
Just tons of kool swag
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game
warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a
lake. The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license
please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish??”
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’ mine down to the lake and let
‘em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into
my net and I take ‘em home.”
“What a line of horse sh-t….you’re under arrest.”
The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment Man. I’ll show ya! We do
this all the time!!”
“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a
few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.
The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden!
“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some
government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.
1. Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke
2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.
3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
4. Take your own sweet time
5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus!
6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.
7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football and ACC basketball
8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie – John Michael – Jim Bob )
9. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War” Always interject that “there weren’t nothing Civil about it.”
10. Address all males as “son” and women as “little lady.”
11. Everyone you see eating Yankee Food like cream of wheat or clam chowder say “yoo weeee!! That ain’t fit to eat!”
12. Tell em we use to have a lot of prostitutes in the south but the Yankees came down and married them all.
Visit the Damn Yankee web site
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don’t know what a moon pie is.
You’ve never had grain alcohol.
You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don’t have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don’t have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on An on*ramp on the highway.
You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don’t know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
You’ve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can’t do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ….’
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?!”
Thibodeaux and Boudreaux were talking one afternoon when Thibodeaux tells Boudreaux,
“Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation, only this year I’m gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii .. I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested VEGAS and darn me, if Molly didn’t get pregnant again.”
Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s so different?”
Thibodeaux says, “This year I’m taking Molly with me.”!!!
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the coronor pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup,
his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The coronor rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..’
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Gomer said, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’
‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say:
‘There’s Stanley with them two assholes.’
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde), Confided to her co-workers she had three goals .
1. She wanted to taste some real Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bonafide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
‘Let me tell you, they have a tree out there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it’s ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!’
‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes… Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’
They then asked,
‘Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?’
‘Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!’
2010
Hope ~ 2012 Change |
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America
#1 With Obama |
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Obama's
IRS |
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Its Not
Racism |
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Suckers |
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Y'all
Miss Me Yet? |
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Bumper
Stickers |
