Yuppp, you found the Old Hippie’s Red Neck site. Now before you have a heart attack, I’m a Conservative Old Hippie from Texas. I drive a pick up and listen to Willie, Waylon, and Jerry Jeff. As I post this humor, I laugh at how I am occasionally poking fun at myself.
That said, I hope that you will not only enjoy this site — but that you will pass it along to others.
The Old Hippie
In Honor of Cinco de Mayo, the below are some excellent recipes for a good Cinco de Mayo dinner. These and other great recipes can be found in the Cookbook Forum at OldHippie.com.
Pepper jelly spread on corn chips is a good way to start the meal.
Hot Chilli Pepper Scoville heat units
Naga Viper pepper …..1,382,118
Red Savina habanero..350,000–580,000
Scotch bonnet pepper…100,000–350,000
Jalapeño pepper..2,500–8,000
Poblano pepper….500–2,500
Green Bell Pepper,….No significant heat,
Napalm Chilli Jam
1 1/2 cups vinegar
6 cups sugar
1 1/4 cups Jalapenos,Red New Mexico ,or Habanero Chilies.
1 package pectin
Puree the chilies with a food processor or a blender. If using a blender, the vinegar may be needed to keep the blender from stalling and aide in the puree process. Either way, take care when opening the cover of the blender or food processor; the fumes are deadly. Place puree in a non-reactive sauce pan and add the powdered pectin. Add the vinegar if it has not already been used in the puree process. Stir to dissolve the pectin. Place over high heat until the mixture comes to a HARD boil (a boil that cannot be stirred down). Stir continuously as the mixture is being heated. Add all of the sugar and bring back to a full rolling boil while stirring constantly. Boil hard for 1 minute. Remove from heat and skim off the foam with a metal spoon. Place in hot sterilized jars and seal. Makes about 6 0.5 pint jars.
Note 1 Each type of chili produces a different colored jam as well as a different heat response. The jalapenos will give a slow turn on and slow turn off of medium heat; the New Mexico chilies will get the back of the throat and the habeneros will produce a “step response” of sensation.
Note 2 use a food processor and do not use vinegar in the puree process. To measure, I cut the chilies into the size of half a habanero and fill up a 2 cup liquid measuring container. Measurements are not too critical and the bite will vary from batch to batch as the chilies vary in heat content….. If the bite is too much for people, bell peppers can be used to bring up the amount of fruit used.
……………..
Hot Apricot Habanero
1 lb. habenero peppers
1 cup cider vinegar
1/2 cup apricot nectar
6 cup sugar
1 pkg. certo
6 drops orange food coloring
Directions
cut off stem ends of peppers blend together with 1/2 of the vinegar and apricot nectar. bring the vinegar and sugar to a boil, add the pepper and coloring and bring to a boil for two minutes. Add the certo and bring to a boil again. Skim , pour into jars and seal. makes about 24 oz of jelly.
Put out the fire with a couple Old Hippie’s Cinco de Mayo Strawberry Margaritas
5 Minute Chili con Queso for an appetizer
Dip corn chips in the Chili con Queso
For a Cinco De Mayo Entree — nothing beats Sweet Grilled Fajitas
See the Fajiata Soup recipe for the fresh leftovers
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
So we Celebrate it with Grilled Fajitas and Margaritas.
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a Cajun on a flight to Louisiana.
After the plane took off, the Cajun asked for a whiskey and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, “I’d rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Cajun then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too! I didn’t know we had a choice.”
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1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in the front yard?
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14″. How many Bud Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2 X 6 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When it collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?
8. A chemical plant operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The plant employs 120 per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
9. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
10. A 2-ton pulp wood truck is overloaded and proceeds down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and non-cracked windshields?
Dearest Redneck Son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here.
It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.”
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Point your browser to www.OldHippiesGiftShop.com to scope out some very kool stuff with a Drag Racing, Mopars, and/or Humor Theme.
Just tons of kool swag
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game
warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a
lake. The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license
please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish??”
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’ mine down to the lake and let
‘em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into
my net and I take ‘em home.”
“What a line of horse sh-t….you’re under arrest.”
The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment Man. I’ll show ya! We do
this all the time!!”
“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a
few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.
The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden!
“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some
government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.
1. Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke
2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.
3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
4. Take your own sweet time
5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus!
6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.
7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football and ACC basketball
8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie – John Michael – Jim Bob )
9. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War” Always interject that “there weren’t nothing Civil about it.”
10. Address all males as “son” and women as “little lady.”
11. Everyone you see eating Yankee Food like cream of wheat or clam chowder say “yoo weeee!! That ain’t fit to eat!”
12. Tell em we use to have a lot of prostitutes in the south but the Yankees came down and married them all.
Visit the Damn Yankee web site
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don’t know what a moon pie is.
You’ve never had grain alcohol.
You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don’t have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don’t have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on An on*ramp on the highway.
You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don’t know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
You’ve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can’t do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ….’
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?!”
Thibodeaux and Boudreaux were talking one afternoon when Thibodeaux tells Boudreaux,
“Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation, only this year I’m gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii .. I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested VEGAS and darn me, if Molly didn’t get pregnant again.”
Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s so different?”
Thibodeaux says, “This year I’m taking Molly with me.”!!!
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the coronor pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup,
his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The coronor rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..’
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Gomer said, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’
‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say:
‘There’s Stanley with them two assholes.’
