Showing Damn Yankees How To Cook

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sun lakes oakwood cinco de mayo

 

In Honor of Cinco de Mayo, the below are some excellent recipes for a good Cinco de Mayo dinner. These and other great recipes can be found in the Cookbook Forum at OldHippie.com.

Pepper jelly spread on corn chips is a good way to start the meal.

Hot Chilli Pepper Scoville heat units

Naga Viper pepper …..1,382,118
Red Savina habanero..350,000–580,000
Scotch bonnet pepper…100,000–350,000
Jalapeño pepper..2,500–8,000
Poblano pepper….500–2,500
Green Bell Pepper,….No significant heat,

Napalm Chilli Jam
1 1/2 cups vinegar
6 cups sugar
1 1/4 cups Jalapenos,Red New Mexico ,or Habanero Chilies.
1 package pectin

Puree the chilies with a food processor or a blender. If using a blender, the vinegar may be needed to keep the blender from stalling and aide in the puree process. Either way, take care when opening the cover of the blender or food processor; the fumes are deadly. Place puree in a non-reactive sauce pan and add the powdered pectin. Add the vinegar if it has not already been used in the puree process. Stir to dissolve the pectin. Place over high heat until the mixture comes to a HARD boil (a boil that cannot be stirred down). Stir continuously as the mixture is being heated. Add all of the sugar and bring back to a full rolling boil while stirring constantly. Boil hard for 1 minute. Remove from heat and skim off the foam with a metal spoon. Place in hot sterilized jars and seal. Makes about 6 0.5 pint jars.

Note 1 Each type of chili produces a different colored jam as well as a different heat response. The jalapenos will give a slow turn on and slow turn off of medium heat; the New Mexico chilies will get the back of the throat and the habeneros will produce a “step response” of sensation.

Note 2 use a food processor and do not use vinegar in the puree process. To measure, I cut the chilies into the size of half a habanero and fill up a 2 cup liquid measuring container. Measurements are not too critical and the bite will vary from batch to batch as the chilies vary in heat content….. If the bite is too much for people, bell peppers can be used to bring up the amount of fruit used.

……………..
Hot Apricot Habanero

1 lb. habenero peppers
1 cup cider vinegar
1/2 cup apricot nectar
6 cup sugar
1 pkg. certo
6 drops orange food coloring

Directions
cut off stem ends of peppers blend together with 1/2 of the vinegar and apricot nectar. bring the vinegar and sugar to a boil, add the pepper and coloring and bring to a boil for two minutes. Add the certo and bring to a boil again. Skim , pour into jars and seal. makes about 24 oz of jelly.

Put out the fire with a couple Old Hippie’s Cinco de Mayo Strawberry Margaritas

Two Servings

  • 5oz Tequila
  • 3oz Triple Sec
  • 1/2 box frozen strawberries in syrup
  • 6oz can frozen limeade
  • powdered sugar
  1. cut a box of frozen strawberries in half — and dump in blender
  2. plop in can of frozen limeade
  3. add tequila and triple sec to taste (see my starting point in ingredients)
  4. blend until smooth
  5. wet rim of glass on wet paper towel, and dip onto plate of powdered sugar
  6. Pour frozen margarita into glass and enjoy.

5 Minute Chili con Queso for an appetizer

This is a great way to whip up a small bowl of Chili Con Queso in 5 minutes in your microwave. A brick of Velvetta and a round of Queso Fresco will make four bowls. (About a week around here!)1/4 large Brick on Velvetta (I use the Low Fat) Cheese
1/4 Round of Queso Fresco Cheese (a white cheese sold in small 5″ diameter 1″ thick rounds)
1/4 jar of your favorite sausa (my wife likes peach — I like habanero)
Splash of milkCube the Velvetta and Queso Fresco into small cubes and throw into a ceramic bowl that will be twice the capacity of the ingredients — as it will bubble up in the microwave.

Pour the sausa and then the milk on top. Put bowl on a plate and heat in the microwave on high for 1 minute. Stir. Heat again for 1 minute, and then stir. 1 more minute on high ought to do it. Should be very warm and smooth. You may need one more minute depending on your microwave.

Dip corn chips in the Chili con Queso

For a Cinco De Mayo Entree — nothing beats Sweet Grilled Fajitas

  • 8oz LaChoy (LaChoy is the only Gluten Free) Soy Sauce
  • 8oz Cooking Sherry
  • 8oz Pineapple juice (buy six pack of little cans)
  • 1 Tsp minced garlic
  • 2 Skirt Steaks
  • 1 Sweet or Yellow/Spanish Onion Sliced long ways
  • 2 Bell Peppers sliced
Put skirt steaks in a 1 Gal Glad bag. Mix the soy sauce, sherry, garlic, and pineapple juice and pour into the bag with the fajita meat. Seal and refrigerate for 1 day.Grill until fully cooked, turning only once. Thinly slice against the grain (makes less chewy), and serve with tortillas, pico de gallo, shredded cheese, grilled onions and peppers, and Spanish Rice.I have a metal grilling basket that I cook the peppers and onions in — so that they’re less greasy. Slice a large Spanish (yellow) or 10-17 (sweet) onion and 2 green peppers, and coat with 1 oz olive oil and 1 tsp of Hungarian Paprika by shaking in a Tupperware type of covered bowl. Grill in the grilling basket while grilling the fajitas.

The marinade makes the tough cut skirt steak very tender and a little sweet.

See the Fajiata Soup recipe for the fresh leftovers

Yankee Explains Sinko Day Mayo

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Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

So we Celebrate it with Grilled Fajitas and Margaritas.

Illinois Biker

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Forchino The Biker Guillermo Forchino

On January 9 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she’s finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl”

…….The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

Attention Texans

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God-Bless-Texas.com

Attention Texans: brand new site for Texans that has the goal of reporting on, and discussing, Texas News, Politics, Events, Music, Sports, Travel, or anything else of interest to Texans. While the site is in the early stages of signing up volunteer editors — it is ready to be on your daily visit list.

The address is: www.God-Bless-Texas.com. Don’t forget the hyphens! You can also join us on Facebook. We’re looking for some LIKES there — so please roll us a bone and click LIKE on the page.

Ways to Annoy Damn Yankees

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1. Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke
2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.
3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
4. Take your own sweet time
5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus!
6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.
7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football and ACC basketball
8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie – John Michael – Jim Bob )
9. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War” Always interject that “there weren’t nothing Civil about it.”
10. Address all males as “son” and women as “little lady.”
11. Everyone you see eating Yankee Food like cream of wheat or clam chowder say “yoo weeee!! That ain’t fit to eat!”
12. Tell em we use to have a lot of prostitutes in the south but the Yankees came down and married them all.

New York City Math Exam

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NAME:____________________
GANG NAME:______________________

1.) Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2.) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3.) Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day crack habit?

4.) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5.) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4′s, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6.) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7.) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8.) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9.) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10.) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

You Might Be a Damn Yankee if

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You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don’t know what a moon pie is.

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don’t have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in  Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.

You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don’t have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on An on*ramp on the highway.

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

You don’t know what appliqued is.

Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.

You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

You’ve never been to a craft show.

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

Spring Break in Cancun

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Three Western New York college girls go down to Mexico for spring break, spend the entire time drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did all week.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I am from Canisius College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the UB School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from Buff State and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Diary of a Texan Who Moved to Depew

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December 8:

6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll d definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:

Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin’ snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:

Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24:

6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’ snowplow.

December 25:

Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -10 and the pipes froze.

December 28:

Warmed up to above -5. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31:

Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Buffalo News Reporter

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Two boys from Buffalo, NY are playing street hockey when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid pit bull. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A Buffalo News reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Sabres Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Buffalo Sabres fan,” the young hero replies.

“Sorry,” replied the reporter, “since we’re in Buffalo, I just assumed you were.” “Bills Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” the reporter continues in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Buffalo Bills fan, either,” the boy responds.

“I just thought everyone in Buffalo was either a Sabres or a Bill’s fan,” replied the reporter, “Whom do you root for?”

“I’m a Toronto Maple Leaf fan,” the boy answers proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Canadian Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

THE COUNTY JOB

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A guy goes to the Rath Building to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes,” he says. “I was in Viet Nam for three years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment,” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes ,100%, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

A guy from Buffalo dies and is sent to Hell

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A guy from Buffalo dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is baffled as the guy from Buffalo is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned the heat way up, it’s humid, you’re crushing rocks; why are you so happy?” The guy from Buffalo, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is great! It reminds me of August in Buffalo . Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Buffalo . Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Buffalo is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The guy from Buffalo replies, “This is great! Just like April in Buffalo . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!” The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Buffalo suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Buffalo unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again shocked at what he sees. The guy from Buffalo is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee. “How can you be so happy? Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the guy from Buffalo throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
-
-
-
“Hell’s frozen over ! This means the BILLS won the Super Bowl.”

Four guys go fishing

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After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
‘Fishing or Sex?’

And she said:…………….. ‘Wear sun-block.’

Yankee Chili Cook-off Judge’s Report

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Notes: From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from West Seneca, New York:

Recently Frank was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mainly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and Frank happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yankee.

FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable To report)